When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I had to Stop for this
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.