[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship