me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO