The struggle is real! 馃ぃ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ME: let鈥檚 not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let鈥檚 not fight
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
It鈥檚 not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn鈥檛 a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I鈥檇 be having a whole nother kind of sex life
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
Good things come to those who don鈥檛 make mommy lose her shit.
wait.