Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I unironically love this joke.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower