Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Lol.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.