If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects