Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.