PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Love this guy
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time