[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”