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Herpes is trending, good job people
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Succinctly put.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying