him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Miscakes
when mom throws a party…
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.