First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
It’s an epidemic…
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes