I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
You Might Also Like
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs