My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Breaking news:
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
constantly working on myself.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)