It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.