ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face