[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
NASA has no chill
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.