Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery