Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me