“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”