*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’m pretty like a car crash.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together