13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist