I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month