[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: