Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Breaking news:
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.