The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.