I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”