I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The news in a nutshell.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.