[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
me, after any kind of buffet.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”