WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me in tagged photos
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.