Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
“Huge”.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.