… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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kevin is now a local weatherman
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no