Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Had to try this trend 😊
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.