CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My neck my back my allergy attack
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them