Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Optional boss fight.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.