Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Breaking news:
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.