Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
You Might Also Like
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger