Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
You Might Also Like
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My dryer is celebrating lint.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.