In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Autocarrot sucks!
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.