Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Jogging has never helped my memory.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics