(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
You Might Also Like
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.