Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you