“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME