Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose