*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now