The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
You Might Also Like
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes