if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER