The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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6: are snakes just neck?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
beware of dog
(jukin media)
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I would like even faster food.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy