Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?